I’m mad at Chuck Klosterman. I’ve read all of his books, and I consider him to be an inspiration, but still: I’m pissed. Chuck Klosterman, why do you have to be so right? Seriously. Why?

In his book of essays, “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs,” he describes a concept called “Fake Love.” He blames couples like Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court from “Say Anything” for people’s fucked-up, idealized views of romantic relationships. He writes, “They want men to adore them like Lloyd Dobler, and they want women to think like Aimee Mann, and they expect their arguments to sound like Sam Malone and Diane Chambers. They think everything will work out perfectly in the end (just like it did for Helen Fielding’s Bridget Jones and Nick Hornby’s Rob Fleming), and they don’t stop believing, because Journey’s Steve Perry insists we should never do that. In the 19th century, teenagers merely aspired to have a marriage that would be better than that of their parents; personally, I would never be satisfied unless my marriage was as good as Cliff and Clair Huxtable’s (or at least as enigmatic as Jack and Meg White’s).

See, I’m not the only one who thinks like that. When I first noticed that I had the ability to love, I wanted it to be like the movies and lyrics in the pop songs. I wanted to be swept. I wanted to swoon.

The older I get, these views are fading. I’m not sure it’s because I’m jaded. Or just becoming more of a realist, who is looking for “real love.” I mean, Whitney Houston sang the lyrics “I will always love you,” and then divorced her husband Bobby Brown. (Interestingly, the song’s original version was performed by Dolly Parton who is still married to a man she met when she was 18. I guess that’s a bad example.)

Also, my views on romance have changed. As a single girl, thinking about romance is kind of sad, because I know that I’m on my way to becoming a crazy dog lady. But, like I said, I blame Chuck Klosterman. His description of “Fake Love” is spot on.

Guys still can make my heart beat faster and feel like a million dollars. Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t gone cold. Just cautious and more determined for reality - More aware that sometimes my boyfriend will see me when I haven’t shaved my legs or that I will be ignored sometimes for a video game. I’m OK with this, because that’s life. Worts … er… hair and all.

I wish I was Lloyd Dobler. I don’t want anybody to step on a piece of broken glass. I want fake love. But that’s all I want, and that’s why I can’t have it, writes Klosterman at the end of the essay.

I don’t. Because at the end of those 90 minutes, the story is over and the characters are just that, fictional. But I won’t hold that against you, Chuck.